It’s one thing picking the best films of the year; it’s an altogether easier task too as I could’ve easily made a top 50 for 2012. Any claims that this year was a bad one for cinema is entirely unfounded. Even so, that doesn’t mean this year didn’t have its fair share of terrible films.
I never saw Project X or Keith Lemon, so even though those films are probably much worse than the worst film here, they will not be included. Now without any further ado, let’s look at the worst 2012 had to offer:
10. The Watch (Dir. Akiva Schaffer)
Attack the Block was a wonderful piece of genre cinema that cleverly displaced what is normally found in American towns and cities into the British inner city. With Akiva Schaffer’s the watch, many comparisons can be drawn, but instead of under-privileged kids its privileged upper-middle class Americans played by Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn which is bad enough in itself, but the number is rounded out by Jonah Hill and what can only be payment in kind with Richard Ayoade (Stiller produced Submarine). Cast aside the watch was a boring sci-fi film that didn’t deserve its strongly designed aliens, the only true strength of the film. Further still, the film had the most vulgar product placement, with all the action taking place in a Costco mega-market, with the film actually stopping to promote condoms and 3D TVs. It would be forgivable if the film was actually funny, but it’s not, it only thinks it is.
9. The Darkest Hour (Dir. Chris Gorak)
Many great genre films made use of their lack of finance or resources, with the great example being Jaws. No such luck for the darkest hour. It takes four privileged middle class Americans (something of running theme, already) and places them in Russia as Earth is invaded by aliens. Aliens that make light and electronics work when they are nearby. What follows is an inexplicably stupid film hitting all the clichés with the added bonus that the director really isn’t suited to genre fare. As for the stupid aspect, there is a plot beat later in the film where the unseen alien mass (saving on budget, in what could be a nice touch but just ended up being lazy) crash into a boat as our heroes try to escape. On a boat is the important part of that sentence. Yet with that, one of the young leads ends up two miles inland. That is the sort of thing the darkest hour is guilty of, and that is why it’s here at number 9.
8. The Cold Light of Day (Dir. Mabrouk El Mechri)
Director Mabrouk El Mechri previously helmed JCVD, which did a great deal to rejuvenate Jean-Claude Van Damme’s career. Cold Light of Day was a step in the wrong direction. For a film with the actor who is soon to become superman, to remind of the Taylor Lautner vehicle Abduction you know you are onto a stinker. A vital difference between the two, in that Sigourney Weaver was a good guy, she isn’t here. On its own merits, the cold light of day is the perfect icon for the generic nature contemporary action films have come to personify post-taken. The worst of all fates is the action; it is all shot with the incessant unstable camera work making it difficult to watch cleanly. Add to that mix, most of these scenes are shot at night with poor lightning, meaning nearly all the vital action scenes are incomprehensible. Now, if the story is for nought and the action scenes are entirely lost in the mix, just what is the film for?
7. The Pact (Dir. Nicholas McCarthy)
McCarthy developed The Pact into a short film with Sundance last year; in 2012 he stretched the thin premise beyond breaking point. Everything about the basic premise gives the impression that the director isn’t interested in horror movies because he seems very satisfied with his twisty thriller/horror, twists that are the most common garden variety for anybody who has an interest in the genre. Invalid horror or no, it only really becomes a problem when the director builds up the tension and relieves it in the most ridiculous of ways. It’s not just ridiculous, it’s really funny. That’s enough for it to be here.
6. Taken 2 (Dir. Olivier Megaton)
With this list, every year has room for one truly cynical release, taken 2 is that film for 2012. Take heavyweight franchise breaker Olivier Megaton and add him to 2009 sleeper hit. What you get is a film that removes the biting violence that defined and made the original such a big hitter and hid it within impenetrable editing to get the more profitable rating of a 12A. If that was a conscious decision by the creators, that would be fine, but it won’t be, there will inevitably be an extreme cut released on DVD. Somehow taking away the viciousness of the violence and repeating the same thing from the first film only in a different city, all the spark disappears.
5. Iron Sky (Dir. Timo Vuorensola)
It may be unfair to place a film like this in the bottom 5 of the year; after all it has the premise of moon Nazi’s. In 1945 the Nazi’s went to the moon, in 2018 they are coming back. That was always going to be schlocky B-Movie fun, except Timo Vuorensola’s movie is anything but fun. If you take away the films one good gag and the technical proficiency of the production staff, nothing remains. Which may be what you expect from the film, but still films like rare exports exist, films that have outlandish concepts and they still commit themselves 100% to the film. Here, all they have is an idea, only they had no idea what to do with it. What we get is black characters albino-ised, jokes about internet memes and scores of padding. If this was a short film it would be the pinnacle of creativity the form allows in feature-length form, cracks take over.
4. Silent House (Dir. Chris Kentis & Laura Lau)
The original Uruguayan Silent House got major press around the world because it featured the conceit that it was filmed in real-time, no camera cuts, no edited necessary, it’s all presented as real. Almost as if it was an extension of the found footage premise without the messy need to literally place the camera in the action. The 2012 remake directed by Open Water writers and directors Christ Kentis & Laura Lau only exists so people don’t have to read all those pesky subtitles. Any so-called horror moments are negated 100% due to the commitment to the conceit; anything that could be deemed shocking is missed as the camera darts around following our heroin, Elizabeth Olsen (who is wasted in the lead role). It could be said, that the film is so scary that even the camera men can’t watch, but saying such a thing is complimentary in the extreme.
3. Resident Evil: Retribution (Dir. Paul W.S. Anderson)
The fifth film in the series of films influenced by Capcom’s Resident Evil video game series, see the return of its ‘creator’ Paul W.S Anderson. This one at least attempts to do something new, acknowledging its origins as a video game, but as with any W.S. Anderson film that doesn’t last, he has to leer at his wife. The film is steeped in the worst excesses of 1990s video game traditions. The film is full of bad dialogue delivered poorly; the acting has all the nuance of video game acting before the current generation, with particular kudos to the actor who plays Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts). The fact that everyone wears skimpy leather and rubber outfits, no matter what the circumstance. The video game evolved past this sort of thing long ago, only leaving the most archaic and conservative video games behind with such retro stylisations. But this is okay for movies, apparently. And to top it all off, apparently this film signals ‘the beginning of the end’!? If this is the beginning, what the hell where all those other films?
2. Top Cat the Movie (Dir. Alberto Mar)
For a great deal of time Top Cat the Movie was set to be the worst film of the year, nothing could beat it and nothing did until the 11th hour. While it has to be said that films have to be judged on their own levels and merits, and only the intended audience should really judge. Top Cat is different. A huge success in Mexico, one of their animation studios readapted Don Gato into a more mainstream medium and a poor job was done. First off the animation looks like a flash internet animation, with two separate planes of 2d animation to make 3d, and the budget shows the city as creepily vacant. A story that would be stretched at 10 minutes is run ragged at 90 minutes. Above all else, it was boring to the point that every time I am reminded of its existence it serves as a painful prompt as to just how punishing it was. Kids will be uninterested in it and adults will be shocked by how bad their childhood favourite has been treated.
1. The Man with the Iron Fists (Dir. RZA)
Anybody who knows me knows that I have issues with Quentin Tarantino. A director with the talent to make Jackie Brown instead decides to make films that seem to tantamount to a record nerd showing off his collection. With the Wu-Tang clan’s RZA making his directorial debut, it appears as if that opening statement will have to be re-assessed. A bit of background first, RZA is a hardcore fan of martial arts cinema so as far as appearing on countless Shaw brothers DVDs giving directors commentaries, the man clearly knows his stuff. That makes the man with the iron fists fate all the more infuriating. The film has all the charm of something a 15-year-old wrote after he saw his first kung fu movie. Every single cliché is trotted out, to the point where it would draw this article out to inexplicable lengths just to detailing them. Deeper than that, the film has no story, nor does the film make any sense. Ex-WWE wrestler Randy Batista is the big bad who turns into a gold man, for some reason. Russell Crowe appears as Mr Knife, or Jack, in what is quite possibly his worst ever performance, just settle on that for a moment. Worse than any of that is RZA casting himself in the lead role, the man can’t act, his script is awful, his directing isn’t much better, he is a total vacuum of charisma (on-screen). My issues with Kill Bill and Death Proof have all but disappeared into insignificance with this film. The Man with the Iron Fists is without doubt the laziest homage to martial arts cinema that has come from the west, and that’s no small statement.
So there we have it, the worst film of 2012 is RZA’s the man with the Iron Fists. Oh, it also has Greg Nicotero (Evil Dead, The Walking Dead) involved, why Greg? Why? I shall stop now, as I could complain for hundreds more words. A film like this should be made for people like me, its number one placing suggests differently.
Head back to no frame of reference tomorrow in which I will be counting down the top 10 movies, there will be some surprise inclusions and some that are far from surprising.
Filed under: Features Tagged: 2012, 2012 in review, Iron Sky, resident evil retribution, Short film, Silent House, Taken 2, the cold light of day, the darkest hour, the man with the iron fists, the pact, the watch, Top Cat the Movie, worst, Year in Review
